A Clear, Indisputable Message

Barry was playing triple-bonus-deuces-wild video poker on his phone when the screen suddenly switched to an ad. It read, “God wants you to have a Bible on your phone.”

Barry was perplexed. God had never spoken to him through his phone before. In fact, although Barry was a believer, he had never received a clear, indisputable message from the Lord, not even in church. He clicked on the link, but before he downloaded the app, he had a disturbing thought: How did he really know this was God talking? What if it was Satan in disguise? What if he downloaded that app and Satan tempted him to read the 23rd Psalm on his Bible-phone during dinner, arousing his wife Cleta’s wrath for ignoring her amusing anecdotes and setting a poor example for their begotten children whom they forbade from using electronic devices at the dinner table? Was the devil trying to destroy his marriage?

Worse, what if Lucifer seduced him to read the Song of Solomon while driving the  freeway? What if he accidentally plowed his Chevy Suburban into a Mini Cooper and triggered a twenty car pileup which caused a tanker to veer into the concrete divider and explode, causing a multitude of gristly deaths and injuries? Did the devil want to destroy his life and the lives of innocents, which could include children, puppies, and zygotes?

Barry was baffled. And the next message did not help his conundrum. While playing red hot aces, another ad appeared. This one invited him to join a special player’s club for $29.99 a year. If he joined, the ad said, he would no longer see ads. His games would be ad-free. Barry wondered, if God was truly speaking to him through his phone, wouldn’t He want him to see these ads since they included ads for Bibles? Would not God be highly insulted if Barry paid money to avoid Him? If the devil was behind this new message, Barry needed him to stop. Not today, Satan!

That night Barry slept fitfully. In the morning, as he sat on the toilet, he decided to pray. Dear Lord, he mumbled in his head as he clutched his phone tightly, if you indeed want me to have a Bible on my phone, please send me a sign. Hopefully a dramatic, convincing sign, like an angel or pillar of light, that would not be mistaken for Satan. Or, if you prefer, you could bless me with a sequential royal flush.

Barry opened his gambling app and waited. The bright colors of his game’s title sequence appeared, warming his heart. The blue anticipatory ring spun and spun. And spun and spun. Until his phone emitted the sad, clipped buzz of a dead battery.

The screen went black. Barry’s bowels stirred.